


Without Poe or Purpose

by Pers



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Force-Sensitive Finn (Star Wars), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:51:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22031188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pers/pseuds/Pers
Summary: Struggling to find his place in a galaxy freed from the First Order, Finn doesn’t realize what Poe is trying to tell him until it is almost too late.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 15
Kudos: 178





	Without Poe or Purpose

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, I'm indebted to vix_spes and slightlytookish for cheering me on as I wrote this story.

Finn sits and stares at the campfire, Poe’s body warm and reassuring against his side. All around them, people celebrate the fall of the First Order. The atmosphere is exuberant, relief at having defeated the First Order prevailing against the grief of having lost so many of their own. There will be time for mourning, but tonight, they celebrate.

Finn doesn’t want to think about how dangerously close he came to dying himself today. How close they all came to dying today. How close he came to losing Rey and Poe. Finn’s arm involuntarily tightens around Poe, and Poe hugs him back with his uninjured arm.

“I love you, Finn,” Poe whispers, leaning his head against Finn’s shoulder.

It isn’t the first time tonight that Poe tells Finn he loves him, and he hasn’t let go of Finn for more than a few minutes since they were reunited. Finn is beginning to think that perhaps Poe has had a bit too much of the celebratory sunfruit liquor to make him this sentimental.

He pats Poe’s shoulder. “I love you, too, buddy.”

Finn can’t help but wonder what the future will bring. All he has ever known in his life was being a Stormtrooper and then a Resistance fighter, and he isn’t sure what to do now that the Resistance has won. What to do now that there is no need to be a general any more.

A tiny part of him had been so certain he and Poe would just continue fighting alongside in the Resistance forever. But now that they’ve won? Poe will want to rekindle things with Zorii, though Finn still can’t wrap his head around the fact that Poe, Poe Dameron of all people, was once a spice runner.

Finn isn’t sure where his place in this new galaxy will be.

“You know,” Poe says, as if he can sense where Finn’s thoughts dwell, “I’d be quite happy to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Finn’s heart does a little skip because to be honest, he’d be quite happy to spend the rest of his life going on adventures with Poe. But he knows things won’t work out like that.

So he just shrugs, and jokes, “Who says I want to have to put up with you for the rest of my life?”

He regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth, because Poe tenses up and his hand drops from Finn’s back. Finn opens his mouth to apologize, but Poe speaks first.

“Yeah, I get it. You prefer Rey’s company,” he says quietly, and Finn is shocked at how bitter his voice sounds.

He doesn’t know what to say to that because Poe’s accusation is just plain wrong. He doesn’t prefer Rey’s company over Poe’s. They’re both so different. Rey is Rey, and Poe is... _Poe_. But it’s been a long day and Finn doesn’t know how to articulate that thought. The adrenaline of the day is wearing off, and Finn just wants to sleep for days.

The moment passes when Rey comes wandering over to them, sitting down on Finn’s other side. She’s cleaned up her wounds and looks a bit more like herself.

“You alright?” Finn asks her, and Rey nods, a faraway look in her eyes.

“Well, I’ll get out of your way,” Poe suddenly says, starting to get up. “Then you can tell her that thing you were going to tell her on Pasaana.”

Finn resists the urge to roll his eyes because he can’t believe Poe is still going on about that. Tonight is supposed to be about celebrating their victory, not about petty arguments.

Poe puts a hand on Finn’s shoulder to steady himself as he gets up, and Finn just wants to grab Poe’s hand to make him stay, to enjoy his company a little longer. But he knows he won’t be able to hold on to this life, and to Poe, forever. So he lets him go.

His eyes follow Poe out of their own accord. He watches him stop and speak to some of the other Resistance fighters. Watches him stop and speak to Zorii. No doubt those two will catch up on old times.

“Finn?” Rey asks. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Finn replies, finally tearing his eyes away from Poe. “I’m okay.”

But he’s not okay, not really. Because once again, the life he knew has been turned upside down, and Finn isn’t sure how to proceed from here.

* * *

Everyone is making plans for the future. These past few days alone there have been four weddings, and an even greater number of engagements. The air is filled with possibilities as people discuss the places they will go and the things they will do, now that the First Order has been defeated.

Poe comes to stand next to Finn, touching his fingers to the back of Finn’s hand. He smiles when Finn turns to look at him.

“Come to Yavin 4 with me,” Poe says, entwining their fingers and giving Finn’s hand a squeeze. “I’m sure my father would love to meet you in person.”

It’s a tempting offer. Finn would love to meet Poe’s father in person as well – he’s only ever talked to him via hologram – and he would love to see the place where Poe grew up. He would love to see the Force-sensitive tree that Poe told him about.

But Finn already promised Jannah he would join her rounding up the surviving First Order stormtroopers. There will be many among them who never wanted to fight, who were stolen away from their families like Finn and Jannah were.

Jannah wants to find the children, those who were only recently kidnapped and might still remember their former life, and reunite them with their families. There are whispers among Jannah’s tribe that perhaps they might even be able to track down their own families. It is a hope that Finn clings to as well.

Poe told him so much about his childhood, about his parents and his grandfather, that Finn wishes he could reciprocate. Finn doesn’t remember anything about his childhood before the First Order, and he doesn’t remember his parents. But perhaps, with Jannah’s help, he will be able to find his family again. Will they recognize him? Will they welcome him back into the family with open arms? Finn hopes so.

Finn hopes that he, too, will be able to introduce Poe to his parents one day. He still remembers how Poe was giddy with excitement when he first introduced Finn to his father, and Finn imagines he would be excited about meeting Finn’s family as well.

Poe’s quiet voice draws him from his reverie. “Rey could come, too, you know,” Poe says, letting his hand drop to his side.

“Rey has got other plans,” Finn tells Poe, “and so do I.”

There are things they have to do first. But Finn hopes that maybe in a few months, they will be able to see each other again. Perhaps they could even meet up on Yavin 4, and sit together under the Force tree.

Finn likes the thought of that, and he turns towards Poe to tell him about the idea. But Poe has already left and is nowhere to be seen.

* * *

“I’m going to miss you,” Poe says, burying his face in the crook of Finn’s neck as they hug goodbye prior to Finn’s departure with Jannah and her tribe.

It is a day of farewells. Rey has already left on a quest of her own, and though she promised to return, Finn can’t help but think that today marks the end of something. He feels like their little unit, their little _family_, is breaking apart, and his arms tighten around Poe, wishing he could hold on to him forever.

But Finn knows this is only wishful thinking on his part. He settles for holding Poe close just a moment longer, committing the way he feels in his arms to memory, before finally letting go. Poe’s eyes are brimming with unshed tears.

“Let me come with you,” he says, hand catching hold of Finn’s sleeve. “You know we are one hell of a team.”

Finn wants to agree, because they really were one hell of a team. But Poe is a hero of the Resistance, and he will be needed to help restore the galaxy to lasting peace. It’s a task even bigger than Finn and Jannah’s, and Finn is confident that Poe will perform it admirably.

“I don’t need you,” Finn says. Not like the galaxy needs Poe, and surely that is more important right now.

Poe lets go of Finn’s arm and takes a step back. “No, I guess you don’t,” he says, an unreadable look crossing his face. “Well, take care, Finn.”

He turns around and leaves before Finn can reply. Finn wants to run after him - he’s already forgotten what it feels like to hug Poe - but he knows that would only be delaying the inevitable. Their paths were always going to diverge at some point.

* * *

Finn hasn’t been sleeping well. His sleep is riddled with nightmares, and he often wakes up drenched in sweat and with a sense of dread. He doesn’t remember what happens in his nightmares, but he cannot shake the feeling that they have something to do with Poe.

He hasn’t heard from Poe since they parted on Ajan Kloss. No doubt Poe is too busy doing important work as a Resistance hero. Finn would like to say that his own work is keeping him busy as well, but in truth, Jannah and her tribe could easily do this without him.

They’ve managed to dissolve one of the Stormtrooper training camps, freeing hundreds of children, and were able to find homes for all of the children. But Finn still feels like he is just drifting alongside Jannah and the others, and isn’t doing much to help.

“You miss your boyfriend, don’t you?” Jannah asks one day. “Why don’t you give him a call?”

Finn can’t think what gave her the idea that he and Poe are boyfriends. But he does miss Poe, more than he wants to admit to himself, and he still can’t shake that feeling of worry. So he finally caves in and tries to comm Poe, fully expecting Poe to be too busy to talk to him.

It still comes as a surprise to him when Poe doesn’t answer his comm unit. Finn should let it go, but he still feels like something is terribly wrong. And hasn’t he learned by now that he should trust his instincts? He finally decides to contact Rose and asks her if she can find Poe for him.

“I’m sorry, but Poe isn’t on base,” she says, looking genuinely sorry.

“Oh.”

“Finn?” Rose asks tentatively. “Did you and Poe have a fight? Because he’s been really subdued lately.”

“What? No, of course not!” Finn protests, worry pooling in the pit of his stomach. Poe subdued? He doesn’t like the sound of that. Sure, Poe can be really grumpy at times, but he usually recovers as quickly as a thunderstorm passes.

Rose promises to let Poe know that Finn called, and Finn ends the call. His fingers drum against the holoprojector, wondering how to proceed. He remembers that Poe wanted to go to Yavin 4 to see his father, so he contacts Kes Dameron next.

Poe’s father used to smile at Finn, but now he just glares at him through the blue, grainy image of the hologram, and Finn resists the urge to sit up straighter. Kes hasn’t seen Poe, and hasn’t heard from him in days, and Finn can see the worry in his eyes.

“Don’t worry, Mr. Dameron,” Finn says, because it suddenly doesn’t feel right to call him by his first name any longer, “I’ll find Poe.”

“Thank you, Finn, but you’ve done quite enough,” Mr. Dameron says, and ends the call.

Finn calls the only person he can think of who will be able to help him.

“Rey! I can’t reach Poe and no one’s seen him I’m worried something has happened to him you need to help me please!”

“Slow down, Finn!” Rey tells him. “What did you say about Poe?”

“I haven’t been able to contact him,” Finn tries again, “and I’m really worried about him. I… I just have this feeling that something is wrong, and I don’t know what to do!”

Rey takes a long look at him, then she nods. “Meet me back at the base.”

* * *

Finn arrives at the base on Ajan Kloss before Rey does, and it’s a strange feeling to be back. Even more so because he is met with icy stares instead of warm smiles by at least some of the people. No one has seen Poe since he took of in his X-Wing several days ago.

Finn finally decides to sit down and wait for Rey, and this is where Maz Kanata finds him. She still makes him uncomfortable, even though he’s known her for years now. He always feels like she can see right through him.

“So you finally stopped running away,” she states, taking off her glasses and peering at him closely.

“Uhm, I didn’t run away,” Finn points out. “I was helping Jannah and her tribe.”

“Running away,” Maz repeats, putting her glasses back on. “But you’re here now, that’s all that matters. You will find your boyfriend.” She pats his arm, before turning to leave.

“Poe and I… we’re not boyfriends,” Finn calls after her, but Maz is already out of earshot. Finn lets out a frustrated breath. He can’t help but feel like he’s missing something. Why does everyone think they’re boyfriends? It’s not as if Poe would ever be interested in him that way. Or if he was, he never gave Finn any indication of it.

Unless… Unless Poe actually meant _love_ love when he kept telling Finn he loves him.

Finn’s mind races as he goes over their interactions in the past, and he slowly realizes why people would think he and Poe are boyfriends. He recalls the soft looks and lingering touches, and everything Poe said. Finn has been so busy worrying about his place in the galaxy that he didn’t notice Poe was trying to tell him he wanted to be together with Finn.

His chest constricts painfully as he recalls his own reactions to Poe’s attempts, cataloguing each of his thoughtless remarks that to Poe must have felt like a stab to the heart. How thoughtless, how cruel, his final words had been. _I don’ t need you. _To Poe, it must have sounded like Finn was rejecting him.

Is it any wonder that Kes Dameron glared at Finn? Or that Finn was received with mere cold politeness when he returned to Ajan Kloss? They must all think that Finn broke Poe’s heart.

Finn rubs a hand over his face. He has to find Poe. If only so that he can apologize to him.

There’s a shrill chirp, and Finn’s head snaps up. He only knows one droid that sounds like that, and sure enough, there’s BB-8. Which means Rey must be close by.

Finn’s face lights up, and he gets up to go and meet them. There’s another shrill chirp as BB-8 spots Finn, and then the droid comes racing towards him, and promptly zaps Finn with his lighter. Finn yelps as BB-8 zaps him again, all the while warbling and chirping.

Finn’s Binary still isn’t that great, but he can tell by the tone of chirps that BB-8 isn’t happy with him. The continued and painful zaps the droid gives him are of course also a very good indication of that.

“Ow! BB-8, stop it!” Finn yelps, trying to get out of reach of BB-8’s lighter. “I’m sorry, alright? Ow!”

BB-8 only stops zapping Finn when Rey joins them and puts a placating hand on top of BB-8’s head. Rey helps Finn up from the ground, and they sit down together, Finn taking care to stay out of reach of BB-8’s lighter.

He doesn’t realize his hands are shaking until Rey puts her hand over his, and then pulls him into a hug.

“Rey, I have to find Poe,” he says, pulling away to look at her. “I think I may have broken his heart. And I didn’t mean to.”

She tilts her head. “You know, I always thought it would be the other way around.”

“What?”

“I always thought he would be the one to break your heart,” Rey explains matter-of-factly, “so I told him he would regret it if he did.”

“You did what?” Finn’s voice suddenly sounds an octave higher. “When?”

Rey gives a shrug. “Oh, that was quite a while ago. When he first started getting that besotted look on his face whenever he was around you.”

“He did not have a besotted look!” Finn protests, because surely he would have noticed something like that.

Would he though? Finn is seriously beginning to doubt he is Force sensitive. Apparently he has a giant blind spot when it comes to Poe.

“How do we find him?” he asks Rey. “No one has any idea where he went.”

“If anyone can do it, it will be you,” she tells him. “You’ve always had a much stronger connection to Poe. Try and reach out to him, see if you can sense anything.”

Finns closes his eyes and tries to reach out to Poe, like Rey told him to. It takes him a while to get past his worry - because what if it is too late to tell Poe that he loves him? - but finally he manages to focus all his thoughts on finding Poe.

Three words suddenly pop up in his mind, and he opens his eyes, confused. “Dead Man’s Run?”

There’s a shrill beep from BB-8, and a sharp intake of breath from Rey. Their reactions don’t exactly put Finn’s mind at rest.

“Rey?”

“It’s a very dangerous route through the Ulkantha asteroids,” she explains. “It’s called Dead Man’s Run because people rarely make it out alive.”

And that is exactly the kind of route an adrenaline junkie like Poe Dameron would take. Because that’s the kind of thing Poe does. He’ll do lightspeed skipping with the Falcon. He’ll always run headlong into danger, knowing that Finn will have his back. Only that this time, he went alone, without Finn, or Rey, or even a droid to help him navigate.

A cold shiver runs down Finn’s spine. Poe Dameron is one hell of a pilot, but even he isn’t invincible.

“We have to find him, Rey.”

* * *

It takes all of Rey’s skill and concentration to navigate them through the asteroid field. She’s not running the Falcon on full speed so that Finn can be on the lookout for Poe’s X-Wing.

All around them floats the debris of those ships steered by less experienced, or just plain unlucky, pilots. There are parts of X-Wing starfighters among the debris, and Finn’s breath catches in his throat before he realizes the parts are not from Poe’s black X-Wing.

They make the pass through Dead Man’s Run without finding Poe, and Rey is about to double back and make another pass through. But Finn stops her, because he has spotted a small planet nearby, and he just has a _feeling_ about that planet…

He asks Rey to fly low over the planet’s surface, which only seems to consist of swamp and rocks. Finn lets out a yelp when he spots the familiar shape of an X-Wing, and sure enough, it is Poe’s. Rey hovers the Millennium Falcon close above the ground long enough for Finn to jump out, then she flies off in search of a better landing spot.

Heart hammering in his chest, Finn wades through the mud towards the X-Wing. It looks like it has taken severe damage to the wings, and Finn calls out for Poe as the clambers onto it. Poe isn’t in the cockpit, and Finn calls out for him again and again.

It’s like that time they crash-landed on Jakku all over again, only this time, it’s much much worse. Because back then he didn’t know Poe like he knows him now. Back then he didn’t know how much Poe would come to mean to him.

“POE!”

Finn spots a figure in an orange flight suit lying on the ground, and in his rush to get towards him, Finn almost falls flat down into the mud several times. _Please let him be alive_, Finn begs, _pleasepleaseplease let him be alive_.

Poe is alive, but only just. His breathing is shallow, and his skin feels too warm to the touch. Finn can feel tears building up in his own eyes, and he carefully gathers Poe into his arms.

“Poe? Poe, can you hear me? Poe?”

Poe’s eyelids flutter open, and he looks up at Finn with slightly unfocused eyes.

“Finn?” he asks with a weak voice. “Mh… Must be dreaming.”

“You’re not dreaming, I’m here,” Finn reassures him, taking Poe’s hand. “And I’m going to get you out of here, I promise.”

Poe just looks at him and takes a laboured breath. “Not gonna… make it. 'm sorry.”

“No, you’re going to make it,” Finn insists, a tear rolling down his cheek. “You have to. Because I love you.”

Poe gives a weak chuckle. “Now I know 'm only dreaming. My Finn… would never… love me.”

“Well, you’re wrong. Because I do love you, and I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you.”

Poe just gives him a sad smile before his eyes close, and he goes slack in Finn’s arms.

“Stay with me, Poe. Please stay with me,” Finn cries, because he cannot lose Poe now. “Poe...”

Finn’s sobbing now, rocking Poe in his arms, and it feels like his heart is being ripped apart. Someone is trying to wrench Poe from his grip, and Finn holds on tighter, screaming out Poe’s name.

He finally hears Rey’s voice, right inside his head, bringing his thoughts to a standstill, and he looks up. Rey is there, a hand on Finn’s shoulder, and she tells him that Poe is alive, that he’s just unconscious.

“He will be fine,” she says, and fresh tears start running from Finn’s eyes. Only this time they’re tears of relief.

They bring Poe onto the Millennium Falcon, and Rey uses the Force to heal Poe’s body. Already Poe is looking less like he’s at death’s door, but he’s still unconscious.

Rey gives Finn a pointed look as she says, “I may be able to heal broken ribs, but I cannot mend a broken heart.”

She leaves Finn to sit with Poe, and he takes Poe’s hand in his own, willing him to wake up.

Finn doesn’t know how long he sits there, holding onto Poe with his left hand and running his right hand through Poe’s hair. Finally, Poe blinks open his eyes and for a moment, they just look at each other.

“'m I still dreaming?” Poe asks, and Finn shakes his head, willing himself not to start crying again.

“No, you’re not dreaming.”

Poe frowns and reaches up to brush a thumb against Finn’s cheek. “You look like hell. What happened?”

“You almost died, that’s what happened,” Finn says, and swallows down the lump in his throat. “What were you thinking going on the Dead Man’s Run?”

Poe drops his hand and just gives him another one of those sad smiles. “Flying always used to make me happy, you know, but lately it’s just… I don’t know what happened. Almost made it through Dead Man’s Run three times before I got hit by an asteroid.”

“You reckless idiot,” Finn whispers, tears stinging in his eyes.

And perhaps Finn hasn’t been the only one struggling to adjust to this new life without the First Order. It’s obvious now. Poe needs Finn in his life, just like Finn needs Poe.

“I love you, Poe,” Finn says because Poe deserves to hear it at last. “I love you with all my heart, and I cannot bear the thought of losing you. I’ve been an idiot for not realizing that I need you before it was almost too late, and I’m sorry. I’m so incredibly sorry that I hurt you, and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

Poe’s eyes have gone wide, and he’s looking at Finn like he can’t quite believe what he heard. Then he swallows, and asks, “Who says I want to put up with you for the rest of my life?”

Finn’s smile falters. Of course, Poe doesn’t love him any more now that Finn finally got around to admitting his own feelings for Poe.

Suddenly Poe laughs and wraps his arms around him. “I was joking, Finn. Of course I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Finn is so relieved he can’t even be mad at Poe for teasing him. “I guess I deserved that...”

“Yeah, you did. But now you’re forgiven, and I think you should kiss me.”

There’s a chirp of approval from BB-8, and Finn turns to see the droid giving him a thumbs-up with his lighter.

“See? BB-8 agrees with me,” Poe says. “Now kiss me.”

Well, who is Finn to argue with that? They’ve wasted enough time already.

And then they are both crying and clinging to each other in desperation. Because they almost managed to do to themselves what the First Order couldn’t accomplish: tear them apart.

* * *

They end up going to Yavin 4, and contrary to what Finn expected, Poe’s father doesn’t threaten to break Finn’s legs. Kes Dameron just yells at Poe for taking unnecessary risks, before pulling him into a fierce hug. Then he proceeds to hug Rey and Finn as well, thanking them both for bringing home his son.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Dameron,” Finn begins, because he still feels like he should be apologizing for causing Poe such heartbreak, but Kes waves his concerns aside.

“It’s Kes, and enough of that,” Kes tells him, “you found him, that’s all that matters.”

Yavin 4 is everything that Finn imagined, and more. He enjoys seeing the place where Poe grew up, and it’s that much better with Poe being there to show him around. Finn never wants to let go of Poe’s hand.

That afternoon, they’re in the garden by the Force tree. Rey is training with her new lightsabre, looking more at peace with herself than she has in recent weeks. Finn and Poe are dancing slowly in the shade of the Force tree to some of Kes’s old records.

Finn still can’t believe that they’re both here, alive and well. He still can’t believe that Poe loves him, and that he loves Poe, and that they finally managed to figure things out. His heart feels like it’s bursting with love for the man in his arms.

He presses another kiss to Poe’s lips. “I love you, Poe.”

The look Poe gives him can only be described as besotted, and Finn has to smile. Because he suspects he is wearing a similar besotted look on his own face, if the amused glances Kes keeps sending their way are any indication.

“I love you,” Finn repeats, and Poe’s arms tighten around him.

“I love you, too, Finn.”

They continue to slow-dance until night falls and the stars come out. Finn looks up at the sky and smiles, because he’s finally found his place in the galaxy. It’s right here, in Poe Dameron’s arms.


End file.
